My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
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No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
I have never related to anyone more.
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
I like long walks away from everyone
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.