I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
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Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
There are no pants in heaven.
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
just witnessed a drug deal
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out