I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
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When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
thanks auntie mary
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
The biggest mystery of our time
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”