Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
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“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.