Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
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Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to