[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
You Might Also Like
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally