Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
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Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys