I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
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Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
Don’t snitch tag.
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.