I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
You Might Also Like
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
My biological clock is wheezing.
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
My blood type is b hungry.
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up