Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
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Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.