In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
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My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
I’m too immature for adultery.
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit