Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
You Might Also Like
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.