Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
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Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
I wish this was real life…
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
I hope this email punches you square in the face
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.