The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
You Might Also Like
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
[||||||||]=.=====.=[||||||||]
{__/} /
( • – •) /
(__)
/Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energyReality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´・ω・)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah