I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
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The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
It’s a gift
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important