Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
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surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*