“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
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[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that