when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
You Might Also Like
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
A dad and his duck
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay