“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
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BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
Nice try Hitler
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”