“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
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“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick