[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
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[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.