emergency phone
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Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.