You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
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A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
Wait a second…
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians