My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
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My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.