Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
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Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
I don’t need a psychic to tell me which planets make me sad. It’s earth.
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second