If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
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I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
yeah no that’s fair
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious