Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
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You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Seas the day!!!!
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.