Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
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‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.