me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
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Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen