wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
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Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
Just a reminder, folks:
sugar glider wrangler
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
awkward
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
😎 🍻
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
Same post same
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever