It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
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Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.