[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
You Might Also Like
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
For the baby who has everything
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”