The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
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girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
I’m tired tomorrow.
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.