H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
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My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
Proctology is located in A55
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
Hot Hot Hot
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
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The key to a clean house is dim lighting.