Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
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No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?