[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
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In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”