*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
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genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters