We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
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*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
Don’t frighten the programmers!
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
Hank is one in a melon.
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.