On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
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I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
I hope this email finds you in a well
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.