“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
You Might Also Like
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
This is painfully accurate 😅
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
Yup