Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
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I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.