teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
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DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?