Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
You Might Also Like
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish