Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
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when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.