Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
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If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
next level snooze
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!