bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
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I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
My neck my back my allergy attack
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
Phones down.
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”