My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
You Might Also Like
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of