The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
You Might Also Like
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.