i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
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Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.