馃槒馃槒馃槒
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A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
keep scrolling I鈥檝e got nothing.
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 馃檮
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
RSVP: 鈿笍yes 鈿笍no 鈿笍yes now but then no later on
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
I bet every time Beyonc茅 leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
saw some family i haven鈥檛 seen in 30 yrs & now i鈥檓 good for another 30 yrs
Is this you?
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.